Heidi Straube

I took the top off my convertible last weekend.
And the earth moved.

© 2009 Heidi L. Straube, M.Ed., LPC

 Go here for bluebonnet pictures…enjoy!

(Happy Valentine’s Week to all!..Here are some thoughts about Valentine's Day)

Many people aren’t crazy about Valentine’s Day. I have a friend who gets grouchy every year at this time.

“Why should I have to prove my love to someone on one specific day,” my friend asks, “when I show that love to them all year?”

I like Valentine's Day, but I think they do have a point. Sometimes there’s too much pressure on this day.

One person, the romantic, wants their partner to bring them the perfect gift, treat them like a queen,  be ultra romantic.

What if you’re not in the mood? What if you’re broke? Should the test of your love be dependent on one day of doing the “right” thing?

And the romantic also gets confused. Loving to celebrate and be generous, they like to do something special for the ones they love. But when they do, sometimes  the object of their affection (like my friend) gets irritated, resists the gift giving, and doesn't actively rejoice in the form in which the love is being offered.

And that's just couples.

Those who don't have a sweetheart face another kind of pressure. "What is wrong with me," they may ask, "that I don't have someone dying to treat me to a special evening?"

Wow, what a lot of emotional drama for one day in the year.

Of course, not everyone is feeling this way. There are plenty of people who love Valentine's Day, and delight in the opportunity to show their love and affection for lovers, partners, and friends (not necessarily all three at once, of course ) And that's how it should be, a tribute to the spirit of the legendary St. Valentine, who some say believed in love so strongly that he performed marriages for others even at the risk of death.

(Note: I, myself do not want to be misunderstood and labeled as the bah humbug of Valentine's Day. I love that loving feeling, so if you were counting on treating me like a princess on Valentine's Day or any other day, please don't stop now! Read #2, about being able to receive love…yes! yes! I'll take it ! But I digress, there are still some good thoughts here, whether you like Valentine's Day or not…ahem, Please continue…)

Whether you're for or against, you're going to run into someone who's going to remind you that Saturday is Valentine's Day (like me). So how about if we just skip the whole dynamic of proving anything, or resisting anything, and go to some simple action.  Let’s let the day be a lovely reminder of three things to ask ourselves:

1.     Am I expressing the love I feel for others?

     If you love someone, wouldn't it be nice for them to know it?  This doesn’t have to be through daily verbal “I love you”,  although if your loved one responds most to words, you might want to consider it. But there are many ways to express love, through actions, words, and unspoken but deeply felt and expressed connection. 

 2.     Am I allowing others to express their love for me?

     You may not realize it, but if you’re shutting down or refusing the generosity of others, you’re diminishing the amount of energy that they are able to express in other areas of their lives. As you allow others to give to you, their energy expands. After giving to you, they'll ride on that good feeling and open their hearts in many other ways. You won’t be the only person to benefit;  that person and the whole world will benefit.

3.     Am I actively loving myself?

     This may be the most important question for you. Many of us forget that if we are taking care of ourselves, and truly respecting and treating ourselves with love, that our hearts will naturally open more. With more open and relaxed hearts,  we’ll be more easily loving others, and creating the life that we all really want to live.

 What are the basics of loving yourself? Taking care of your body, mind, and soul.

Which have you been neglecting?

As you share your love with others, don't forget yourself.

Happy Valentine’s Day to you.

However you choose to mark the day, whether you celebrate it or ignore it, may you feel the love that is being offered to you every day.

And may that love expand tenfold within you, allowing you to easily and generously enjoy passing it along.

(P.S.Still feeling grouchy?  No pressure from me, but I have special rates on Soul Whispers sessions this month. If you've been wanting to treat yourself or someone else to something special,  this is something relaxing, luxurious, and different.  Go here for more info…)

I've learned a lot from being a photographer, and from doing many photo shoots…so I thought I'd share some of my discoveries with you! Here's the start of a new series, found here and on my new, "Inner Path of Photograhy" blog (click here) .

This series is for everyone, photographer or not, for the process of photography parallels what happens in the rest of our lives.

Go ahead! Read and see for yourself…

Photo Life Lessons #1:

Detach from Expectations and Assume the Positive.

 I was laughing the other day with a long-time photography client, as we recalled a photo shoot some years back when her 6 year old daughter refused to participate.

The mother had excitedly shared her vision for the shoot. It was wonderful: her daughter, dressed in a lovely velvet dress, looking angelic and innocent, sitting on the curving front stairs. The light from the staircase window would be magical, spilling over her face and shoulders like a Vermeer painting.

I too, was looking forward to this shoot. I loved this family and shooting at this home, the light of day was perfect, and (until it was time to put on the dress) all was unfolding right on time.  I had my own pleasing vision of amazing and delighting both my client and myself by capturing the beauty and spirits of her child.

It wasn't going to happen. At least not in the way that had been planned.

After a half hour of the mother's pleading, enticing, commanding, and bribing, and my own reassurance and encouragement falling on stubborn, deaf ears, the best we could do was to get the little girl to put on jeans and a t-shirt and go out in the back yard. We surrendered to a totally different dream: hoping that she'd at least hold out long enough for pictures on the slide with the family dog.

Having found the right leverage (a mother's talent: a birthday party to attend that afternoon…or not) we took the shoot from there and eventually all ended up having fun. I got great informal images of children and dogs playing together. But here's what we were laughing about with pleasure:

From the photos we shot that day, one ended up being one of my client's favorite photos of all time.

The shoot that initially was not at all what we had in mind, and could have been perceived as disappointing, challenging, and inevitably headed for disaster, had resulted in the gift of an image that was vibrant, unique, and a wonderful reflection of this child's joy and exuberant personality at that age.

We had detached from expectations, assumed the positive, and been given the gift of the unexpected.

Of course we both agreed that it still would have been nice to get the classic Vermeer lighted photo in the window (OK, I confess, we didn't give up; we did attain that vision this year But as beautiful as that image is, that day we ended up capturing something else unique and special. The mother has a wonderful photo that will tug at her heartstrings and give her pleasure for many years from now.

There was bittersweet laughter shared the other day as well. A photo shoot that seemed such an important event at the time became totally silly to have worried about, given some life threatening challenges that appeared soon after. It was nice to affirm that all is well, and mother and daughter are both here to continue the relationship dance.

Sometimes things don't go the way we want or expect them to.

Sometimes they actually come out in a way that both surprises and pleases us.

 And too often we realize later that we wasted a lot of time and energy being attached to our vision, being afraid of change, and expecting the worst because things weren't going the way we expected.

 ***

So…the lesson applied…to photography…

As a photographer, I've learned not to stress out when the original idea for a photo shoot isn't attainable. I stay flexible, look for other opportunities, and reassure my clients that no matter what, we'll get something they like. I enjoy the adventure of the unknown, and hold the positive expectation that the outcome will be good and reflect the spirit intended. And marvelous things happen.

I also know that one shoot does not define the lives of anyone. I keep things in perspective, and enjoy the good things that are happening right now.

Photographers: Relax, be flexible, and let things flow. Expect positive and unknown results. And know that if it's not the perfect shoot, lives don't depend on it.

And to our lives…Consider this…

What if you could remember that disruptions to your plans are not always bad?

 (Wouldn't it be nice?)

What if, faced with the unexpected, you anticipated good surprises, and were able to drop your worrying?

(Wouldn't it feel great?)

I'm not minimizing the fact that you encounter serious things in life. Losing a job, for example, or experiencing money, health or relationship challenges definitely affects your life in very tangible ways.

But your attitude of dealing with those challenges, and your ability to maintain hope for the unknown future can make a big difference. You make better decisions when you're relaxed, anticipating the best, and not worrying. Solutions to challenges come from positive expectations, not when you're frozen with fear and foreboding.

Try playing with this today:

Each time that something happens that disappoints, frustrates, or angers you, stop and ask yourself:  

"Is this as big as it seems? And what if this is leading to a good thing?"

And imagine that you're living a year from now, and all has been resolved.

Question the seriousness. Feel the release of expectation. And try to believe in the possibility of the positive. Notice how your heart and body shift. Let yourself relax, in body and mind.

Break the pattern of assuming that all unmet expectations are automatically "bad", and are just more evidence that your life is going downhill.

I know: For some of you, this will be difficult and may feel unreal or silly. Your practical mind says, "Very nice fantasy, but the situation and problems still remain!"

But what if it were true?

What if all this really will have changed by a year from now, and you've wasted time being miserable?

Isn't it more pleasurable to assume that this is a bump in the road (however large) and that good things will still happen?

Of course, still take the steps to address your challenges…but retain your hope and confidence in positive outcomes.

Try it. Play lightly.

 Detach from expectations, and assume a positive future.

Continue to watch for the positive aspects of the unknown, and allow them into your life.

 ***

P.S. Want to be a master? Try working with this image:

A year from now, you look back, and things are even better than you can ever have imagined. Your life has been a miracle.

See how your body relaxes then!

***

How did this work for you? Let me know! Send feedback, questions and comments to hs@heidistraube.com, or leave your comments on this blog.

I'll be writing follow-up articles based on what people need. I want to hear how your life is going, what works, and what doesn't, and find more ways that I can help.

With intentions for less stress, more happiness,

Heidi

This may seem like a strange thing to suggest, but…are you truly honoring the amount of stress you have in your life?

Honoring, yes…Acknowledging, seeing, appreciating how much you're taking on.

It seems that in this time of change we're all constantly expecting ourselves to do more and more. Friends, clients, myself: We all wake up with lists in our minds, jump into valiantly trying to accomplish those tasks, and then at day's end evaluate ourselves as to how much we checked off.

Ok, that's not totally horrible. But here's what is distressing: No matter what happens in a day. whether we have new challenges come up, or other people not playing their part, we still expect ourselves to accomplish that list. No matter what happens, we're always supposed to stick to the plan. Unexpected challenges? We buck up, be good soldiers, keep on and on, keep on going.

And then we wonder why we're tired, discouraged, depressed, or just not feeling the joy of life. 

Is this how life should be lived?

The first week that I saw clients after Hurricane Ike hit Houston, I was struck by how many came in "apologizing" for not doing their homework. They were disappointed, discouraged, and feeling "less than" that they didn't accomplish things like send out a resume, do the research to further their dream, or practice their new meditation every day.

I had to laugh and I had to cry. How much can people take?

"You've just been through a major hurricane!" was my response. "You've been a little busy…."

How hard are we  on ourselves? If you're in Houston, did you expect that one week after experiencing fear, destruction, no electricity, water (and some of you were out far longer than that) that you should  jump back in immediately for "business as usual?" Are you still expecting yourself to now be happy, full of energy, and ready to tackle new projects, while you're still dealing with insurance companies, construction, and the physical and emotional effects of loss?

And hey, you who are outside of Houston: Are there no exceptions? Is there no down time in your mind when you can let yourself veer from "the list?"

We expect far too much of ourselves in this life full of surprises, changes, and unexpected challenges. We need to live life more in the flow, not march lockstep to some set of rules that don't always apply. To make it through life gracefully and with the least amount of stress, you need flexibility, the ability to change strategies when needed. You need to be able to flex with the "exceptions"…and often you have exceptions every day.

Make a list right now of all of the things that you're juggling, or have been dealing with in the last two weeks. Look at it clearly, and truly give yourself credit for all that you're doing. If your friend, spouse, or child were going through all of this, would you have compassion for them? Have compassion for yourself.

Then take one step today that helps you to relax, nurtures you, or makes you laugh.

Honor your stress; then try to drop it and step into the flow.

Life is good, and it's not all about lists.

It's hard to make changes in life. Whether you've decided to improve a relationship, change a career, or do something you've always wanted to do, you're up against many challenges. Committing to a new path involves breaking old habits, learning new ways of doing things, and having the tenacity and will to keep on trying, even when the change you want isn't happening as fast as you would like.

If you're finding yourself getting frustrated or discouraged about a change you've been working towards, ask yourself two crucial questions:

 1.      Who am I hanging out with?

2.       How do I choose to spend my time?

 You probably need to make some conscious changes in these two areas.

WHO AM I HANGING OUT WITH?

It's difficult to change a habit or go for something new if you have people around you who would prefer you to keep to the status quo, or don't understand the new direction you're taking.

You need to be able to feel and envision the new way your life is going to be. The more you can be in the energy, talk, and actuality of the new way of being, the easier it will be for you to remain excited about your intention and believe that it can happen. Therefore you want to make sure that the people you're spending time with can be a part of the new life energy.

If you're a lawyer, for example, but have decided that you want to find more time to seriously pursue your unused talent in the arts, don't expect yourself to be in "legal world" all day, and then miraculously be painting like a genius when you get home.

You'll want to start building in some time with like-minded people. Find others who are also interested or active in the arts.  Go to exhibits, join an arts group, or make new friends that are enthused about using their creative abilities too.

*** 

Perhaps it's an internal, spiritual change you're making. You'll stay on your path more easily if you spend time with others who make their spiritual or personal development a priority.  If the greater part of your day is filled with people who are interested in other things, you'll tend to be distracted by those other things too.

You don't have to drastically drop everyone you're associating with. Nor do you have to label those who don't share your goals as "bad"!  But do start having a greater awareness of who you're spending time with, and their ability to support you and your intention.

Do your friends take seriously your new goal, what you're trying to create, and who you're trying to be? Do you feel positive feelings from them when you talk about it? After being with others, has your energy increased, or do you feel drained?

 ***

It's not the responsibility of others to make changes for you. But you do need energetic, verbal, and tangible action support from the people around you as much as possible in this transition time.

If you feel that you're an alien among strangers, don't give up. It's time to go out and find new like-minded aliens. You deserve "your people."

HOW DO I CHOOSE TO SPEND MY TIME?

I focused on the need for supportive people first because I believe they're the greatest influence on your ability to make life changes. But even if you have as much support as humanly possible, you can't expect to magically make the change you want. You, yourself, must take tangible action.

Changing life habits  requires new input, either through learning about the new area you're entering, taking action steps towards creating the new reality, or providing the energetic and visual environment that will nurture and support that which you want to happen. And all of those things take time. How do you spend yours?

Think of the change you've started or are yearning to make. Have you changed your lifestyle to do it? You'll need to.

 ***

Suppose, for example, that you've decided you want to write more. You tell yourself you're going to do it every night after dinner. And each night after eating you continue to turn on the TV, telling yourself that you'll get to it after this show, when you've had more rest, or after your work slows down.

You probably already have every hour of your day informally committed to something. So something's going to have to change in order to create the space for your new lifestyle.

Stop and take a look at how you've been spending your time recently. There are always choice points, times in the day when you can choose to do what you always do or start doing the new thing that leads to what you want, and will really change your life.  Look at your habits, ways in which you spend time without even thinking about it. Did you really need to spend that half hour surfing the Internet? Or could you have used that time to sit down and meditate like you've been meaning to?

*** 

Recognizing that you're at a choice point doesn't always mean that you know exactly what to do. If you don't have a plan, just congratulate yourself on seeing that you need help in changing your pattern. And then go get that help! 

Seek counseling/coaching, get more information, or find other avenues of support. And then keep on recognizing the choice points, and deliberately changing your old pattern. Gradually, you'll start changing how you fill that time so it's in alignment with how you truly want to live.

*** 

Each week, day, week, or moment continually offers you choice points, times where you either can start to live in your new way of being, or put off that change for later. Which will you do?

Consciously choose to create your life. Don't expect it to miraculously change if you hang out in old consciousness, make no space for the new, and continue to live the way you've always lived.

 Ask yourself daily:

     *        Who am I hanging out with?

    *         How do I spend my time?

 
And bravely do what is necessary to make room for change.

Have a project you want to do but can't get started? Set a timer for a short period of time, 15 minutes to an hour. Tell yourself you only have to do this new task for that period of time and then you can stop and go do something else (and mean it!). Watch what happens. Most times you'll get engaged and end up wanting to continue. Still resisting? Stop and meditate for 5-10 minutes. Try again. If  you still can't get into the flow, perhaps you don't want to do this new thing as much as you thought you did! Or come to me for coaching/counseling/meditation assistance.  We'll get to the bottom of it.